Here is Everything.

Sigh.

One of these days I'll make an entry for a good reason. One of these days I'll start making entries more than twice a year (if I even do *that*.)

One of these days, I'll realize the difference between a beautiful melancholy and depression.

One of these days, I'll take control of my life. One of these days, I won't take my luck for granted.

One of these days....

Just this morning, I experienced a semi-lucid dream in which I analytically broke down psychic abilities into two catergories:

Voluntary and Inherent

Voluntary abilities are those sought out intentionally. Voluntary has two sub-catergories; Activated and Sought:

- Activated is a variation on Inherent. It covers people with natural, but dormant gifts who actively seek out ways to unlock and utilize them.

- Sought are abilities developed by the individual who is not naturally in possession of a psychic gift.



Inherent abilities are psychic gifts that come naturally to an individual with little or no coaxing. Inherent has three sub-catergories; Conscious, Sub-Conscious, and Dormant:

- Conscious abilities are those that an individual is aware of and able to utilize with little problem.

- Sub-Conscious abilities are not known to the individual and can be utilized on occasion with the possessor none-the-wiser.

- Dormant abilities are just that: Dormant. The individual is in possession of a gift and may be aware of it (this is unlikely), but unable to utilize it either consciously or sub-consciously. Dormant gifts may be Activated with effort.

It's quite fascinating how my brain works. It alters and adapts activity to suit my surroundings. I think and process in a considerably more intricate way here in Switzerland than I think I ever was consciously aware of at home in the States. And that right there is the key: conscious awareness.

The background hum of my thoughts --the white noise, if you will-- has shifted to the forefront of my mind. I am now considering in depth the mundane basics of daily life as I complete them, not simply as a reminder or a remembrance of a task.

I suspect very strongly that this has a great deal to do with the language barrier. My German is not even conversational, and my Swiss dialect is limited to a small vocabulary. Because general conversation is carried on in German and/or dialect, I am completely unable to make input. Therefore my brain has come out of apathetic dormancy to keep me company

I must say that I am really enjoying this quite thoroughly.

Is it really bad that I'm pretty much cheating on my boyfriend via pictures of a guy who is a friend, but has no romantic interest in me what-so-ever?

Is it even worse that I don't feel guilty because I don't really have romantic feelings for my boyfriend?

Or that I probably won't break it off with him because he bought a ticket to another country to come see me for
Christmas?

Maybe I can ask if we can put the boy/girlfriend status on hold until I get back. Because I really have no intention of coming back.

I feel like a heel here.

All I want is to wrap my arms around someone, have them do the same to me and not let go until I'm satisfied... I want to wrap them around her...

The Bar really is a place for anonymity. I haven't the slightest idea who I danced with, who I pressed against so closely, like a game of sex with clothes. It made me feel so experienced, even as I sank like a stone in my virginity. Teach me how to dance. Yeah, right. What the fuck ever. Who gives a shit if I can move to the right rythm? All I wanted was to feel the music pump through me and move me across the dance floor. I didn't want to drink, so I didn't. But I still felt weird. Like I was getting drunk through osmosis. Can you do that? Press yourself so close against someone that you soak up their alchohol into your own bloodstream? I think maybe it's possible.

Anyway, I wish it was; I could really do with a little oblivion.

In a most desperate act of quaking bravery, I have, for the first (and dear god LAST) time skipped Applied Piano. When weighing the result of going to a lesson not knowing my piece vs calling Ashmore later to lie about being pranked and not waking up on time, my terror is pretty well balanced.

At fifteen minutes before my lesson I decided to not humiliate myself in front of him this morning and simply not go.

Those were the most nerve-wracking fifteen minutes of my life, and I expect the next half hour to be much the same. I'm not cut out for skipping the class of such a soul-sucking demon as he. I will never do it again, but at this point, though I would rather go running and flay myself in supplication at his door, I believe that would be far worse than any humiliation of an unmemorized piece. My nerves couldn't take it, so it is purely in self-preservation that I curl up on my bed in the fetal position and rock back and forth in terror as I type.

I'm going to go shower. Maybe if I open my mouth and look up the whole time, I can drown myself and negate the necessity of going to see Ashmore later.

-DEAD-

Fizzzzzzzz..... -foams-

Um, my brain has shorted out. Kurogane... you... you... OHMYGOD~!!!!! -fizzle-

CLAMP, my dear ladies, you certainly know how to keep your fans in shocked anguish. Up until the last four pages of chapitre 166, I was screaming "Please, dear god, give (our)Fai a fucking break!!!" Now I'm still saying that, but more at a whimper-level because the rest of my mind is now laying mangled on the ground of the rapidly imploding Celes and is unable to process much more than the fact that laying mangled on the ground right beside it is Kurogane's arm!

OMG! I SO did NOT see that coming. I was shocked and amazed and appalled, any other manner of extreme emotion. Kurogane is now (more than ever) my HERO and Fai... Goddamnit, I really REALLy don't know. (This is not to say that I don't love his like WOAH! Because I do oh-so-much!)

Whew. And so ends the Celes arc. As well as my sanity.

I'm really quite glad it will be a little while between chapters because right now... I need some sleep.

SCFG Time~! [Spring Cleaning For Gacchan]

I spent hours today sorting through all the pictures and random files on Gacchan's harddrive. And I finally found that stack of Miyavi photos that I've been searching for! Rejoice!

Except now I can't remember why I wanted them... ^.^;;; On the other hand, I found a whole lot of stuff like fanfiction and old photos I didn't remember I had. (I now have a huge new folder of Doctor Who fiction I forgot to read! Yay~!)

^^ My freshman Tomoko is showing us a video of some guy playing his friend's doctored version of Mario. It's soooo mean~!! The first level took him probably around two hours to beat. The FIRST LEVEL~! >,< D'Oh! I would die so fast...

Speaking of Tomoko, we've decided to open up a arm/leg/back/shoulder massage operation on campus to earn money for food. Yay poor college students. XDDD We experimented on our suite-mates and from the near orgasmic expressions on a couple of their faces, I'd say we're pretty good.

Ahhhh~ As a side note, I just learned that Doctor Who plays on the SciFi Channel... Too bad I don't get it here. -cry-

I got an eye exam today!!! Yeah! I don't have a lot of money right now so I was able to find a place that does eye exams for REALLY cheap! -happy-

I drove to the place and stood around for a good twenty minutes looking at all the frames. (They took soooo long with the person before me! And I was more-or-less on time this time, too!) There are a lot of cool frames there, I didn't know which ones I wanted. But it hardly matters, since I can't actually get a new pair until I go to school anyway. Bah.

The actual exam only took about twenty minutes, but at the end of it the doctor (he was really cute!) dilated my eyes. Oops. I had forgotten that I drove to my appointments so when I left the place, I couldn't see anything! My eyes were really blurry (still are, actually. Typing this is loads of fun!)

So I drove about TWO miles an hour while running the rest of my errands. >.< I got honked at a lot. T_T

Ahh, my eyes are starting to hurt so I'm going to stop now. BYE!

Next Friday I will find myself rolling out of Chicago Union Station on a one-way train to Texas. Hello Friends, Shopping, Six Flags, and Oppressive Texas Heat.

And of course, I don't own a SINGLE pair of shorts. I'm hoping the over-airconditioned buildings will pick up the heat-fighting slack for me, but knowing my luck, Ashley's will breakdown the moment I step off the train.

And then after Texas, I'm off to Missouri for school. I cannot WAIT!

I wish I Gacchan wasn't dead at the moment or I would be able to update and practice journaling a lot more. As it stands, I'm still waiting for his new adapter to ship to me (hopefully by Monday! -crosses fingers-)

(Side note: I just found a library patron whos account says "No Check out. EVER. XD)

I KNOW I'll at least be more active by the end of the month.

And now that my train of thought has been completely derailed, I'm outta here. BYE!

I bought a honey comb. An actual honey comb. I'm not talking about the cereal here. I have seriously been wanting to get one for YEARS. I'm so proud of myself.

I really, really want to draw a comic version of "Once more can hurt"... I suck ass, but I really want to do it. Will I have time with all the skirt-making I'll be doing?

Actually, I'm not sure if I can manage to do it, the fic itself is so emotional. On the other hand, that might make it easier if I'm actually feeling the anguish as I draw. Motivation and all that.

I will try in a few minutes. I do promise.

I've thought about becoming vegetarian many times previously, but I'm hearing more and more about it lately, and it's really a good idea. It's good for your body and I really need to stay healthy since my stress levels are uncharacteristicly way beyond astronomical lately.

I don't know, my main problem with it is that I just really like meat. The biggest part of eating for me is the texture, and it's hard to get (or so I imagine) really good textures in vegetarian food.

I've tried tofu before and I like it fried, but I don't know how to cook it myself. So that definitly poses a bit of a problem. I also tried Seitan Terriyaki the other day and, while I didn't mind the taste so much, the feel of it in my mouth was just this side of unpleasant.

What am I to do? It's a definite lifestyle choice, and I'm not sure which would be the right way to go...

It's Founder's Weekend, and I'm beginning to really feel agoraphobic. It's so tiring with so many people around who don't give two shits about me. So I've hidden in my room until Emily gets here. I'm so tired.

I've become spoiled. With all the Grand-Seniors here, I'm no longer the (or part of the) center of attention. I think I'm sulking. But I really am tired. I dressed up and did my makeup properly for the first time in days, if not weeks, and I didn't even really get to show it off. Everyone else is too busy with other things. It's times like this, when people aren't paying attention to me that I feel all alone again.

I don't like it.

Wasting, I'm wasting my life away. This isn't what I had intended to do with myself. A singer? Me? What a joke. Everytime I step up to the mic lately, I feel like I'm losing myself further and further into the music. It consumes me even as I struggle with all my might to retain at least some shard of myself. I guess I can still be called an artist; I have a good voice, I know I do. So does most of Japan and at least another quarter of the world. Therein lies the problem. I decided once, that I wanted to stop singing; this was right after Sakura left. I wanted to just quit the music industry altogether and forever. I stuck with my decision, too. For about two days. On the third day, Tetsu came to my apartment and when I opened the door for him, he just stood, staring at me from the hall. After a couple awkward minutes, he opened his mouth and asked me one simple question: Why, Hyde? But in that one phrase, I could hear all the other questions; 'Why quit? Why deprive the world of your beautiful voice? Your fans count on you; why would you do this to them? To us? To me?' Especially to him. Because the band was Tetsu's dream and he was angry with me for trying to destroy it. And all of a sudden, to all those questions, and particularly to Tetsu, because he was making me angry, I wanted, desperately wanted, to answer: "My name is Hideto." I wanted to drive my point home and shut the door in Tetsu's face. My name is Hideto. I draw. And I paint. But I do not sing.

Probably not TBC~~

#1: Seventh Sense


Gackt often claimed to be in posession of a sixth sense as a result of a near-death experience when he was a child. This was all well and good and his fans lapped it up, loving him all the more for his “tortured visions”.

But Gackt had a secret. And unlike most of his other “secrets” that were always eventually filtered into the media, this was one he wasn’t about to divulge.

Gackt, in fact, had seven senses, not just his proclaimed six. This seventh sense was special in a way that placed it very near to his heart. It quickly became his favorite sense in that it concerned someone very close to him, i.e. Hyde.

The seventh sense, which Gackt had fondly (and rather unoriginally) dubbed his Hyde-sense, was his favorite for a variety of reasons, two being chief. For one, Gackt loved the feeling he got whenever Hyde was near; kind of a warm, fuzzy happiness that settled over his stomach. And for two, whenever Hyde was upset or worried, Gackt would feel it instantly, no matter where he happened to be and be able to either call or visit him to see what was wrong.

Hyde never bothered to ask why Gackt always seemed to contact him just when he was feeling down and Gackt never bothered to tell him.

He never told him that from the very instant Gackt realized how much he loved Hyde, he began to feel his presence surround him, wash over him in waves of contentment. And he never told him that when Hyde had gotten the guts to confess his own feelings, the reason he hadn’t been surprised wasn’t his ego overtaking him, it was merely because he had already felt Hyde’s swirling emotions before the words ever even left his mouth.

And when Gackt kissed him, Hyde never asked why it was always exactly when he needed it. Gackt would have told him everything, but Hyde never asked.



#2: On the Range


*Bang!* “Ow!” Hyde regained his balance and rubbed at his sure-to-bruise shoulder, handing the shotgun he’d just fired gingerly back to Gackt who stood smirking to his right.

“I did tell you it had a powerful kick, you should listen to me more often.” Hyde crossed his arms petulantly over his chest and scowled.

“I can’t help it if I don’t weigh enough to withstand the recoil.” Unbeknownst to Hyde, his scowl quickly fell into a pout and Gackt chuckled at his cuteness.

“Ne, it’s ok. You can’t be good at everything.” Gackt couldn’t resist the cuteness any longer and slung an arm over Hyde’s shoulders, drawing him near and leaning down to whisper, “Unless you’re me, of course.”

Hyde gave him a disgusted look and shoved him away. “Gacchan, you’re such a jerk.”

Gackt smiled and reached out to pull Hyde back towards him, wrapping his arms around the shorter man’s slender frame. “Yeah, but you still love me, right?” When it looked like Hyde was about to deny any feeling but disgust towards him, Gackt tilted his face up and leaned down to kiss away the scowl that was still predominant there.

Hyde melted into his embrace, his annoyance seeping away into nothing as he wrapped his arms around Gackt’s waist hugging him back and returning the kiss.

When they separated, Hyde smiled up at Gackt, “Yeah, you can’t be good at everything.” He smirked mischievously up at him and asking in his most innocent of tones, “Ne, ne, Gacchan. Wanna go play pool?”

Honestly, I liked the 2nd one best, even if I don't REALLY like either of them.....